People want experts to solve their problems. When you become an expert at something, people will keep coming back to you to solve their problems. You’re needed, therefore you’re an ideal candidate to lead. You’re placed in a leadership role because you are an expert at solving problems.

But here’s the challenge: problems keep coming your way, faster than you can solve them. You have more work than you can handle, so you need to expand your capacity. Maybe you do this by hiring more people, streamlining your systems and processes, and getting more powerful tools. But if you’re exceptionally good at solving problems, you’ll continue to get more work than you have the capacity for (after all, isn’t that a good problem to have?).

The hallmark of an expert businessman, pastor, or pretty much any leader is that they are busy. Maybe that’s the reason you’re reading this article—because you feel maxed out and are wanting another expert to tell you how to expand your leadership capacity so that you can continue solving more problems with your expertise! Your competence got you here. Your competence may also be the ceiling.

I’m wondering if one of the primary causes of leadership overwhelm and burnout is being caused by the very thing that propels us to seeming success—our competence at solving problems. Here’s what I’m talking about:

1. The doctor who sees 25 clients in a day, and provides a prescription or requires a specialist visit for just about every diagnosis. They have so many patients to help that they have no time to ask more thorough questions. It’s no wonder the treatments rarely get at the underlying issues!

2. The pastor who preaches most Sundays, sits on all the committees, and leads all the meetings. There is very little room for others to shoulder some of the vision, direction, and responsibilities. And then the pastor wonders why they don’t have any qualified candidates for leadership.

3. The parents who continue making all the significant decisions for their children. But then they wonder why their children completely disconnect from them when they no longer need someone to make their decisions.

That’s why expanding your leadership capacity is one of the most scary things you’ll ever do! Because it means letting go of the very thing that has gotten you to where you’re at—being an expert problem-solver.

Mindset Shifts to Expand Your Leadership Capacity

1. Challenges are not primarily something to be solved but rather a space to learn and grow. If you get serious about slowing down your problem-solving response, you will probably start to realize just how reactive you have been. For me, I saw this showing up in my parenting and even in my marriage! The closer the person to me, the more likely I am to see a solution to their problems.

2. Your role as leader is less about solving the presenting problem and more about getting curious and getting to the root of the problem. I can’t count how many times I have started to blurt out a potential solution and then PAUSE (hmm, what question could I ask instead?), and then ask a half-baked question. After a few seconds, that question becomes more refined and I can ask it again in a more curious way.

3. Your role is not to provide expert solutions but instead to lead others into learning. Asking questions won’t automatically squelch your problem-solving itch. In fact, it can become a repackaging of it. That’s why reframing the end goal is so crucial. You’re now asking questions with the goal of getting as many options on the table as possible rather than trying to find the one right option. And you’re evaluating the outcomes less from the standpoint of “success/failure” and more from the standpoint of “what can we learn from this?”

What you’re doing is shifting your leadership away from primarily solving problems and towards expanding the capacity of those you’re leading. In the words of Liz Wiseman, “A bad leader will tell people what to do. A good leader will ask questions and let his or her people figure out the answers. A great leader asks the questions that focus the intelligence of their team on the right problems….Multipliers get more from their people because they are leaders who look beyond their own genius and focus their energy on extracting and extending the genius of others” (Multipliers). I would go as far to say that you would not be the leader that you are if it weren’t for another leader who drew out the best in you.

I have a question for you: What is one thing you must stop doing as a leader so that you can help others around you increase their leadership capacity?

This post is the final post of the series “The Five (Boring & Scary) Things that Leaders Do”

Part 5

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

Leading meetings has a lot of similarities to piloting a plane. You first need to prepare the plane and get the right people onboard. Next, you need to get the plane off the ground (every time I see a 400 ton Boeing 747 take off I feel I’m seeing a miracle!). After you get to the desired elevation, you’re using the navigational instruments to keep the plane on course to the final destination, making adjustments as needed based on the flight conditions. Finally, you’re guiding the plane into descent and skillfully landing the plane on the tarmac, which is universally recognized as the most critical part of the journey. We’ll come back to this analogy in a moment…

Meetings—a Necessary Evil?

I want to ask you a question though: If your organizational health were evaluated by the effectiveness of your meetings, how would you come out? According to Patrick Lencioni, “No action, activity, or process is more central to a healthy organization than the meeting.” He goes on to say, “If someone says you have an hour to investigate a company, I wouldn’t look at the balance sheet. I’d watch their executive team in a meeting for an hour. If they are clear and focused and have the board on the edge of their seats, I’d say this is a good company worth investing in.”

As a leader, it’s easy to feel like meetings are a “necessary evil”, something to show up for, something expected of you as a leader, but it’s hard to feel like it’s what actually moves the needle, or makes the greatest impact. It’s unlikely that you would rank meetings in the top three most impactful contributions to the people that you’re leading. But what if it was?

Meetings are simply a group of two or more people coming together for conversations that matter. That’s why it’s so crucial that leaders recognize the centrality of meetings to their leadership. If you’re not intentionally cultivating rhythms in your organization for conversations that matter, this should give you pause. On the other hand, if you have so-called meetings that are no longer creating space for conversations that matter, you should cancel them! Stop having them! Be kind to yourself and others by eliminating a time-waster.

3 Key Measures of Meaningful Meetings

1. People showing up to the meeting. This is so elementary, I almost hesitate to even say it. If people aren’t coming to the meeting, it’s probably not important to them. Maybe this frustrates you. You’re using valuable time to prepare for the meeting, and then to show up. And it feels disrespectful when others don’t do the same. But instead of getting frustrated, try getting curious.

• What are the unspoken expectations that people have for the meeting before showing up? How are those expectations not being met?

• What is the range of emotion that each individual is experiencing during the meeting? How might those emotions impact their desire to show up?

• What are the external factors that make it difficult for them to attend? Are there small changes (e.g., time, location) that could reduce the friction?

2. People engaging in the meeting. No matter the purpose of your meeting, it is crucial that your meetings are interactive by design. As soon as your meeting turns into a monologue, you should consider canceling it. Record a quick video or send a detailed email instead. No need to waste everyone’s precious time coming together just to hear reports or hear you talking about what you think is important.

How wide is the engagement? If only 25% of the attendees are doing the talking, why is that? Is it that the other 75% don’t have anything to contribute, or is it that you’re not inviting them to engage in meaningful ways? Or, are there people at the meeting that really don’t need to be there? Low engagement levels just might indicate that your meeting has become too inclusive.

Either way, it’s your responsibility as a leader to dig into the why behind low engagement. So much potential is wasted by low engagement in meetings. Stop wasting other people’s time by expecting them to show up if you’re not going to expect them to engage as well.

3. People committing to outcomes. Ultimately, a meeting has little value if it doesn’t contribute to forward movement in some way. Whether it’s contributing to the growth of the participants, or rallying people behind an initiative, there has to be a clear call to action for after the meeting. It might be as simple as getting a verbal agreement to process a certain question in anticipation of the next meeting, or as deep as taking responsibility to execute on the plan that was agreed upon in the meeting.

Make Meetings More Engaging!

A. Set ground rules for the meeting. Establishing key expectations from the group regarding engagement is critical to healthy dialogue (and sometimes debate!). Define what showing up means and what’s acceptable and not acceptable. Here are a few examples:

• What are acceptable reasons to not show up?

• What level of focus is expected from each person?

• What behavior is celebrated and rewarded and what behavior is discouraged or “punished”?

If you are leading virtual meetings, this is especially important. For example, is it okay to send direct messages to teammates while you’re on the meeting? Is it okay to do research on Google if it’s on-topic (hopefully not if it’s off-topic!)?

Defining expectations and holding people accountable to these expectations will dramatically impact the quality of your meetings.

B. Clarify and agree on the outcomes. What sets a meeting apart from a casual conversation is a defined purpose for coming together. There is a time for hanging out, shooting the breeze, talking about the weather, about sports, about the children, about anything really. But that’s not what people show up for at a meeting. It’s crucial that there is clarity surrounding why you’re setting aside this block of time together. Defining the purpose is key, since it establishes the outcomes you are seeking together.

C. Start the descent. As a leader, you must constantly navigate the tension between encouraging open dialogue and driving toward a final decision. Remember: clarity doesn’t guarantee agreement, and agreement doesn’t guarantee clarity—you absolutely need both. Guiding a group through this is a learned skill, almost an art form. You are actively framing the discussion, inviting input, and steering the plane toward its destination. You’ll know you are ready for descent—ready for closure and commitment—once the core issue is defined, key stakeholders have weighed in, and the underlying emotions in the room have been acknowledged.

D. Land the meeting smoothly. A successful descent towards a clear, agreed-upon outcome is what your entire meeting will be measured by. There are three ways of landing (only one is desirable!):

• Keep circling (and circling, and circling…) The conditions are never quite right to commit to the next step. This often results from unresolved emotions that are debilitating both you the leader as well as the rest of the group.

• Crash landing - Little attention is given to the process of descending from 30,000 feet to the runway. This happens when you are so driven to get the job done that you miss the key questions, you don’t tune in to the emotion in the room, and sideline key stakeholders.

• Gradual descent and smooth landing - It starts with knowing what a successful “landing” looks like for your group. In aeronautics, there is the “3:1 rule of descent” for landing a plane. You need three miles of travel for every thousand feet of descent. This gives a pilot a starting point for charting a successful landing plan. Of course, there are factors that change that—such as the speed and direction of the wind, the elevation of the airport, and the terrain you are flying over.

If it goes smoothly, no one will probably remember it; but you have successfully guided your meeting through the most challenging part—getting to the end destination with everyone still onboard!

So I’m curious, what are you going to do today to evaluate the effectiveness of your meetings?

What is one thing you could change to create a more rewarding experience for everyone in your next “flight” together?

This post is part 5 of the series “The Five (Boring & Scary) Things that Leaders Do”

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

John Wooden is famously quoted: “You can lose when you outscore somebody in a game. And you can win when you’re outscored.” Considered by many to be the greatest college basketball coach in history, Wooden captures the idea of measuring what truly matters. You might get more points on the scoreboard and play a terrible game. Or, you might play the best game of your life but the opponent got more points on the scoreboard.

For Wooden, his team’s success was less about what the scoreboard said and more about the effort that each team member put forth. “Winning is the byproduct of your preparation…not trying to be better than someone else but being the best that you could be.” Wooden’s players claim he wouldn’t even tell them who they were going to be playing against! (Be inspired by this short interview clip.)

You’re telling everyone what truly matters!

Leaders hold significant sway over outcomes simply by what they pay attention to. And that is why leaders measure what truly matters. It’s not that good leaders measure what matters. It’s that all leaders measure something, and whatever they measure is what actually matters to them.

Most of what you measure may happen subconsciously. You measure the emotion in the room so that you know how to respond. You measure your success based on the negative or positive comments that you receive from others. You measure the success of your team based on the positive or negative reviews you receive on social media. All of this happens without you even knowing it, but it impacts how you lead. Because what you pay attention to as “the bottom line” communicates what truly matters.

Two Pitfalls

If you feel your team is focusing on the wrong things, then just maybe you have been measuring the wrong things. When you measure the wrong things, it incentivizes violations of your vision, mission, and values. It drives you away from what truly matters. It gives you a false sense of success.

Another pitfall is to measure nothing at all. When you measure nothing, you create a state of confusion for those you lead. On the one hand, you say something is important, but on the other hand, you’re not really committed to it because you don’t pay attention to it. This allows people to show up and not really care about the purpose. It also allows you to evade uncomfortable questions such as:

• How are we doing?

• What isn’t working?

• How can we do better?

Objective and subjective are both necessary

There are different ways to measure. Objective measurement involves data collection and tracking (eg. Profit & Loss, Balance Sheet, Attendance record). Subjective measurement involves assigning a value to what one is observing or experiencing (eg. Red, Yellow, Green; Stuck, Lagging, Tracking). Both are helpful, but it’s often hard to get hard data for some of the most important things that you’re tracking. Don’t let that sway you from pressing in! Find a way to assign value to what you or others are sensing or experiencing.

If you or others on your team have a high value for fact, it will be hard to accept feeling or sense as a legitimate way of measuring something. This is not meant to replace the objective numbers. Instead, you as the leader are pushing people to look beyond those hard, cold numbers and asking the question, What truly matters here? How can we keep focusing on what we’re truly about?

Here’s what you can do to give it a try…

Get your vision, mission, and values in front of you and start digging. In your next team meeting or gathering, get the pulse of the group. Read one of the statements and then ask, “How are we doing?” But don’t stop there. “What are ways we are doing well and how are we falling short?” This pushes people to go beyond simply, “We’re doing alright!”

Capture a “measurement” based on the group reflection. Let’s assign “Yellow” to this since we are seeing significant shortcomings in this area. We need a lot of growth in this area and should be paying attention.

Define actions that your team has control over that you believe will ultimately bear the fruit you want to see. Rather than stopping at, We want to make our community a better place, ask the next question, What are specific behaviors or actions that might make our community a better place? Then experiment. Try something new and as a group and evaluate your efforts. It could be as simple as assigning a label or color to your efforts.

You evaluate and measure because reality matters!

At the end of the day, measuring what matters communicates that you want to know the truth of the matter. It requires you to continually evaluate what you’re measuring and whether it’s actually connected to the stated purposes of your organization’s existence. It requires you to take ownership rather than making excuses. It requires you to get better at asking questions that lead to constructive evaluation. It sets the tone for the culture that you’re creating. It builds a culture where work isn’t just about filling a job description but about giving your very best to a cause much bigger than yourself.

This post is part 4 of the series “The Five (Boring & Scary) Things that Leaders Do”

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

In the movie Darkest Hour, Winston Churchill famously rides a London subway car to gauge the public’s sentiment about the war. In this poignant scene, the Prime Minister steps onto The Underground (as the subway system is called) with housewives, children, and the working class. As he walks through the jerking car, casually chatting with his captive audience, he poses the question that weighed on him. “If the worst came to pass and the enemy were to appear on those streets above, what would you do?”

The response was unanimous. “FIGHT!”

“And what if… we get favorable terms from Mr. Hitler if we enter into a peace deal with him right now? What would you say to that?”

“NEVER!”

While this heart-moving scene most likely never happened, the reality behind it was somewhat true: Churchill regularly slipped away from his Downing Street echo chamber to walk the war-scarred streets with everyday people who were suffering because of the war.

Yet, he simultaneously distrusted fickle public opinion. “Nothing is more dangerous in wartime than to live in the temperamental atmosphere of a Gallup poll, always feeling one’s pulse and taking one’s temperature...” Churchill famously quipped. “…the British nation will find it very hard to look up to leaders who are detected in that somewhat ungainly posture.”

This highlights one of the tensions in leadership: how to actively pursue honest feedback without leading based on public opinion.

Three Feedback Dangers to Avoid

Feedback is one of the easiest things to ask for and one of the hardest things to get. That’s because sending a survey or asking “What do you think?” is easy! But actually listening with a posture that invites honest feedback is whole different matter.

1. Survey Fatigue

Odds are you’ve never heard anyone begging you for another survey or feedback form to fill out. I’ve archived or thrown away countless requests for my feedback. Not because I don’t have feedback to offer but simply because I don’t feel like spending 10-15 minutes filling out a form that may or may not ever get read or responded to! Leaders who expect forms and emails to automatically generate meaningful, ground-level feedback are only kidding themselves.

2. Negative Feedback Immunity

Another connected challenge is when leaders use positive feedback to prove they are on track, and write off negative feedback as irrelevant because “we’ve heard that before and they just don’t understand.” When a leader becomes immune to feedback, input only reinforces their existing ruts.

3. Lazy Questioning

If you ask a lazy question (“Any thoughts on how the event went?”), you will get a lazy answer (“It was good!”). Good feedback is anchored in asking the right questions in the right way. Getting curious. Probing and exploring the underlying feelings that only the observant, courageous leader can see and lean into.

Getting honest feedback is less about crafting the “right question” and more about the posture of your listening.

Getting Down to Street Level

The most candid insights happen when you aren’t in the room—when people let their guard down with their peers. But if the best feedback happens in your absence, how do you hear it? Not by eavesdropping, but by finding ways to “disguise your leadership”. This starts by you stepping out of your role as leader and into the role of curious observer.

It takes creativity to get down to street level. Whenever you (the leader) come around, people will automatically put on their best behavior. Perhaps the key lies not so much in how you get to street level but more in whether you actually lead at the street level.

All political opinions aside, that is perhaps one of the reasons Zoran Mamdani won the recent bid for NYC mayor. He was perceived as “one of” the people. He was very active on social media platforms, out on the streets participating in the causes that people cared about, and tuned in to the needs and desires of the voters. He was perceived as “one of us” rather than a political mogul disguised in street clothes.

As you get down at the street level with those you’re leading so that you can truly listen and engage in authentic ways, that’s when structured feedback loops will actually start working. People give honest feedback in structured ways only when they feel you’re “with them.”

Valuing Truth Over Ego

Why is feedback so painful? Because leaders routinely attach their self-worth to their operational performance. They run a dangerous internal equation:

• Positive Feedback = Good Leader = I am valued and worthy.

• Negative Feedback = Bad Leader = I am not valued and not worthy.

If this is your “leadership math,” then you must control the feedback you hear just to stay emotionally stable. The moment negative feedback hits, you end up in the gutter, forcing you to fish for positive praise in order to climb back out. Under reactive leadership like this, people quickly learn to just say what makes you feel good.

A healthy leader leads out of an anchored view of self, knowing that their own reactivity is their greatest enemy. Because the leader who disconnects from reality to protect their ego is on a death course for both themselves and those they lead. When others experience you as secure in who you are, they can be vulnerable about the hard truth without fearing the repercussions.

Finding the “Silent Middle”

To get the truth, you must also realize that not all feedback is of equal weight.

1. Raving fans will always tell you you’re amazing.

2. Ardent critics will always tell you you’re terrible.

3. The silent middle remains silent because they have something to lose by giving honest feedback.

While both raving fans and ardent critics are worth noting, the feedback you must listen to closest is from those who have something to lose by giving it. When the silent middle speaks up and risks your disfavor by sticking out their neck, pay close attention to what they have to say! Resist the urge to immediately act or immediately dismiss it. Invite more of it! Practice the discipline of sitting with the discomfort and get curious.

Managing the Heat

According to Ronald Heifetz’s Adaptive Leadership framework, leadership is a lot like managing a pressure cooker. If there’s zero heat, your ingredients stay safe, raw, and completely separate; you never get the rich nuance of a savory, unified dish. But if the heat gets too high, the meal burns and the flavor is ruined.

A healthy leader acts as a thermostat, not a thermometer. A thermometer merely records the temperature; a thermostat regulates it. Actively pursuing honest feedback intentionally turns up the heat. The goal is keeping the tension at a productive level where growth happens without burning your people.

Getting honest feedback is so much more than sending out another survey—it’s about cultivating a healthy community. It’s about learning to ask the right questions, listening with a humble posture, and staying anchored in a healthy view of self. This will create a culture where everyone can safely give and receive honest feedback out of an authentic pursuit of continual learning and growth.

This post is part 3 of the series “The Five (Boring & Scary) Things that Leaders Do”

Part 2

Part 1

As a leader, you are busy. Your organization is growing and there are always people to connect with, tasks to complete, fires to put out, and conflicts to resolve. At the end of the day, you feel drained and weary. In that state, it’s hard to find the energy to write things down.

So why is it so crucial for leaders to document information? Because documentation is the mechanism to scaling your leadership.

A. Clarify Purpose

Getting your vision, mission, and values in writing provides you and your team with decision-making filters. There are so many “good” things you could do, but writing down your organization’s purpose helps identify which opportunities you are aligned with.

• Clarifies what matters: It clarifies what your organization is “wired for”, what your unique calling is

• Defines good stewardship: It provides you with “guard rails” so that you can stay on course and wisely use your time, energy, and resources

• Attracts the right people: It ensures you get the right people onboard and provides a rallying point during times of uncertainty

B. Define Authority (Job Descriptions)

One of the biggest causes of frustration on a team is a lack of clarity about who is responsible for what. Writing job descriptions is your way of giving your team the authority they need to go out and do what is expected of them.

• Involve the team: Document areas of responsibility with their input. The process is often as important as the outcome.

• Describe the role: Create the job description for the role, not the specific person currently in it.

• Continuously Revise: Job descriptions should be living documents that change to reflect reality. Set a regular cadence for reviewing and updating them—with input from your direct reports.

C. Establish Consistency (Process)

Documenting a process does not have to be a play-by-play of every task. Focus on the things that happen regularly and are essential to your mission. For effective process documentation, you only need three things:

1. Trigger: What initiates the process? (An action, a date, etc.)

2. Scope: Where does it start and stop? What are the specific parameters for this process?

3. Role Responsible: Who is responsible for seeing this through to the end?

D. Create Precedent (Decisions)

Documenting decisions starts with note-taking in meetings. This ensures decisions are communicated consistently and prevents the same “closed” topics from being reopened later. AI now makes this so easy!

Taking notes at meetings creates a record of discussions and decisions, which becomes a knowledge base for your organization. Well-documented decisions are crucial to leadership succession, as they provide a wealth of knowledge for future leaders (and current leaders as well!). Precedent is simply a history of past decisions that create a framework for future decision-making.

Why go to the effort?

As a leader, you don’t have to do all the typing or file management yourself, but you must make it a priority. It is critical to scaling your leadership because:

• It puts power in the hands of your team; they know what is authorized.

• The organization becomes less dependent on you for technical answers.

• You save time by not making the same decision over and over.

• You gain mental space to focus on “adaptive challenges”—those complex decisions that don’t have a clearly defined path.

The Rule of Thumb

There is such a thing as over-documenting. I have been accused of this a time or two! To avoid this, use the 1-2-3 Rule:

• If it happens once, it’s a one-off.

• If it happens a second time, take mental note.

• If it happens a third time, document it.

The Bottom Line

Don’t assume documentation is a waste of time just because you don’t look at a specific file every day. Documentation is a discipline that increases your clarity as a leader. And when you are clear about what you can know, it allow you to lean into the parts of leadership that are very uncertain—which increases your organization’s capacity to serve and make a difference.

This post is part 2 of the series “The Five (Boring & Scary) Things that Leaders Do”

Part 1

In leadership, some of the most important things are also the most boring and scary.

BORING, because the most important things need to be done over and over again. It can feel so unglamorous, so we either stop doing them or we delegate to someone else so that we can do “more important things.”

SCARY, because important work often causes discomfort in ourselves and others. We avoid, ignore, and busy ourselves doing things that feel more productive and less disruptive.

That’s why I want to challenge us to get clear about five things that are boring and scary, but that are crucial to effective leadership. The five things are:

1. Document Important Information

2. Get Honest Feedback

3. Measure What Matters

4. Prioritize Meaningful Meetings

5. Expand Leadership Capacity

The next few weeks, I will be writing in detail about each of these five disciplines of effective leadership.

Questions for reflection:

1. Which of these are you strong in?

2. Which do you most avoid?

3. Are there other aspects of leadership that feel scary or boring to you?

👇🏼 💬 Share your thoughts in the comments below! 👇🏼 💬

Want to measure the effectiveness of your leadership? Here is a key measure to pay attention to: the depth of your relationships with the people you lead. A leader can get a lot done without relationship (sometimes the most productive leaders in the short run are domineering, even dictatorial!). But in the long run, the most effective leaders will always out pace the productive leaders. Because effective leaders know that deep relationships are necessary to accomplishing anything of value.

Vulnerability Builds Uncommon Trust

EQUATION: Effective leadership, anchored in —> Deep relationship which is cultivated through —> Vulnerability-based trust

Vulnerability-based trust is a willingness to be fully human and verbalize one’s fears, feelings and failures. When we can say, “You know what, I’m learning, and I have a long way to go,” it reminds those we are leading that we are human beings, not just a name on a job description.

Patrick Lencioni captures this when he writes:

“When everyone on the team knows that everyone else is vulnerable enough to say things such as ‘I screwed up’ or ‘I need help’ or ‘I’m sorry’ and they know that you mean it and that no one is going to hide his or her weaknesses or mistakes, they develop a deep and uncommon sense of trust.”
“The Advantage”, Patrick Lencioni

Trust is the anchor of relational leadership. When trust is present, people speak more freely and fearlessly. They don’t waste time or energy “putting on airs” or pretending to be someone they aren’t.

Giving the Gift of Trust

Your level of vulnerability with those you lead will determine the depth of the relationship you can have with them. And the depth of your relationship with those you lead will impact the level of trust they can have in your leadership. When you open yourself to real, human-to-human relationships with those you lead, it paves the way for navigating the storms together.

But we also have to remember that trust is a two-way street.

• Giving the Gift of Trust: You can “stick your neck out” and trust people who haven’t even proven themselves yet. This sets the stage for them to either reciprocate, or to break the trust that you’ve extended.

• Stewarding the Gift of Trust: When people follow you, they are giving you the gift of trust. This is not something to be taken lightly, and it should challenge you to continually pursue growth and seek to bring your best to the table on behalf of the team.

The Risk and the Reward

I don’t want to paint a picture of “happily ever after” for relational leadership. In fact, when you choose to be vulnerable and cultivate deep relationships, you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain, disillusionment, and disappointment. You are giving people the space to mess up. You are giving people access to places in your life where they can let you down in very personal ways.

But the reality is, you can’t have one without the other. The greatest joys we experience in life are experienced in the same space where the greatest pains are experienced. We were created for relationship, and cultivating relationship comes with a cost.

I can’t help but think of Jesus, our perfect example of a relational leader. Think the Last Supper. Jesus is sitting at the table, washing His disciples’ feet—including the one who would betray Him and the ones who would deny and abandon Him. He brings them into His inner circle—into His intimate relationship with His Heavenly Father—and makes Himself so vulnerable that one of His closest disciples becomes part of the plan to kill Him.

When you try to protect yourself from pain, you might avoid short-term hurt, but you will suffer the long-term consequences of never truly connecting the way God created you to. And your leadership will never reach the capacity you were created for.

I want to challenge you to consider, what might be one way you could get a little more vulnerable with those you’re leading? What is that one area that you go into self-preservation mode? How might you be holding people at arm’s length without even realizing it? As you intentionally press into relationships with authenticity and openness, expect inner resistance and uncomfortable feelings. But hang in there! Give yourself the permission to feel awkward! And you might be surprised by the response from those around you.

One of the most impactful questions you will ever ask yourself is this: The day before I die, what is going to truly matter? Perhaps this is just another way to state one of Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Successful People: “Start with the end in mind.” If you were given the rare opportunity to gain an “aerial view” of your life and you could see the entire timeline from start to finish, how would this change the way you are living right now?

Perhaps this is what the psalmist means when he writes, “So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom” (Psalm 90:12). It’s not that the last day of your life is more important that any other day. It’s just sort of like a marathon race. Every step, every mile, is important, but the way you cross the finish line is the culmination of the entire race. It doesn’t really matter how you ran at any point in the race if you can’t run across the finish line.

Use these three questions to evaluate your decisions today:

1. On the last day of my life, what is going to truly matter to me?

2. What will I define as “success”?

3. What will be the accomplishments that truly matter to my future self?

These questions just might help you gain clarity for the choices and decisions that you are making today.

Here are the three things that I wrote down for myself as I reflected on these questions.

What success will look like to Ian’s future self

• Enduring relationships (with God, wife, children, and close friends)

• A transparent life (no fear, nothing to hide)

• Deep investment in the next generation (not about legacy for me but instead optimal success for those coming behind me)

👇🏼I’d love to hear your reflections in the comments below! 👇🏼

What does success look like to your future self? How might this impact your decisions today?👇🏼

This post is a collaborative resource post. It is a compilation of feedback and resources that I’ve been getting from people over the past week. I have tried to synthesize the content a bit, but it is meant to be just that—a resource guide, not an academic post 😁.

What is sexual discipleship?

With that said, I want to start with the “why” for this post. I believe our Christian communities are in dire need of sexual discipleship, which points back to the broader discipleship challenges that our churches are facing. And what does sexual discipleship look like?

“Sexual discipleship is a lot more than a ‘talk’ or retreat teaching about sexual purity. It means walking with people through the journey of sexuality through all stages of life and addressing questions that arise from life experience and cultural pressures. Sexual discipleship goes beyond sex education. Biblical sexual discipleship paints a complete picture of sexuality as not simply something to avoid but a great gift to be treasured, celebrated, and reclaimed.”
Sexual Discipleship: What Is It, and Why Is It Important?, Juli Slattery

If you are convinced that sexual discipleship is necessary but don’t know where to start, I want to reassure you that you’re not alone! I will be the first to say that there are no silver bullets (for both discipleship as a whole as well as sexual discipleship in particular). No tool or resource will automatically make you an effective discipler.

Pursue discipleship

Discipleship starts from the premise that Jesus is the source of forgiveness, healing and freedom and a living relationship with Him is where we can walk in the Abundant Life. If we focus on the do’s and don’ts, we will get legalistic rule followers (or at least people who attempt to do so when others are watching). But rule-following will never change a person’s desires and subconscious responses. There has to be something deeper.

Jeremy highlights the importance of safe community. A place where you can be vulnerable and open and can experience God’s grace through people. “Living and being in community and accountability with other men, and sharing struggles in a safe place is so healthy for sexual discipleship.”

And that’s where the word “discipleship” is so key. Instead of focusing on the bad thing we are trying to get rid of, or the negative trend in society that we’re trying to overcome, we must focus on the positive goal that we are aiming for.

So what is that goal? I think Josh’s thoughts sum it up well. “Too often we focus on the sin and getting rid of it rather than focusing on Christ and living in His grace. Our goal is to help others see themselves as God sees them.”

Pursue friendship

If we reduce sexual discipleship to merely penitence or confession of our shortcomings, it will only reinforce the shame and distorted identity. I think Samuel James puts it well:

“…there’s a difference between weaving hard questions into the tapestry of friendship, and isolating ‘accountability’ as an end-goal in itself. More importantly, men lose something profoundly valuable when churches pursue accountability apart from committed friendships and thick relationships. The wounds of a friend can be faithful (Proverbs 27:6), but the wounds of an ‘accountability partner’ can reinforce patterns of shame and fear, giving the impression that life in Jesus’ family is less like a band of brothers and more like a bloodthirsty board of directors.”

“Why Christian Men Need Friendship, Not Just ‘Accountability’”, Samuel James

Jason recently shared his personal experience with me. “My biggest problem with sexual purity courses as a whole has been that they build you up with language such as ‘valiant’, ‘courageous’, and ‘conquerors’; while a sharing and prayer group is often humiliating by nature. I have found that victory through humility is more genuine and lasting.”

Franklin sums it up well: “Sexual discipleship done well needs to be based on deep, trusted, and authentic relationships.”

Don’t forget the children

If children are taught from little up that sex is a “taboo topic”, then we shouldn’t expect them to talk with us about this sensitive topic when they’re older. So the challenge we face is how to have conversations that meet their curious minds where they’re at.

Tim comments on parenting and sexual discipleship:

“As parents, my wife and I are trying to be intentional about laying a foundation for our children. We use the proper terms for the body parts, help them understand the distinction between male and female, and teach them that God created those body parts for a special purpose. We are also trying to normalize their questions about sexuality, while also making it clear that this topic is not something to talk about with just anyone. We attempt to share age-appropriate details based on their questions, answering the questions to the extent that seems right for now and saying that we’ll keep explaining more as they get older.”

Thank you for sharing from your personal parenting journey, Tim! As a parent myself, I know we won’t do everything perfect! But parents, how can we be more intentional in our sexual discipleship? Avoiding the topic means we’re leaving it up to our children to discover sexuality on their own. And in the world we live in, they will probably discover it in unwholesome places.

Resource Guide

So what are some resources that might assist us in this journey of sexual discipleship?

I am listing a few resources that might assist us in the journey of sexual discipleship. Thanks to everyone who contributed to this list!

NOTE: There are no perfect resources, but these are resources that I am familiar with, or that someone I know recommended.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: 👇🏼Please scroll down👇🏼 to the comments 💬 and share any that you want to add! (And check out what everyone else posted in the comments as well)

Online resources

1. Java with Juli podcast for women

2. Female by Design podcast for women

3. Beyond the Battle series for men

4. Authentic Intimacy blog

Books for the Adults

1. Rethinking Sexuality, Juli Slattery

2. Beyond the Battle, Noah Filipiak

3. For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn

Books for the Children

1. 5 book series: God’s Design for Sex, Brenna Jones

2. Samuel Learns to Yell and Tell, Debi Pearl

3. Sara Sue Learns to Yell and Tell, Debi Pearl

Did you read parts 1 & 2 of this series?

I. Sexuality as SIN to be Avoided

“I suppress my sexual desires because sex is associated with sinful behavior.”

Early church leaders often taught that sex for pleasure, even within marriage, was a sin. The only “godly” purpose for sex is procreation.

The Fruit: One hides their brokenness and avoids seeking help because sex is treated as shameful. It results in little sexual discipleship and relegates sexual teaching to a list of “do’s” and “don’ts”.

Jerome, a fourth-century theologian and one of the most influential early church fathers, writes: “It is disgraceful to love another man’s wife at all, or one’s own too much. A wise man ought to love his wife with judgment, not with passion.” https://www.newadvent.org/fathers/30091.htm

II. Sexuality as Definition of SELF

“I express my sexual desires to define who I am.”

In modern culture, the pendulum has swung to the opposite extreme. Sex is on display in almost every sphere of life. Sexual preferences and experiences are the reference point for one’s identity.

The Fruit: A constant pursuit of sexual experience and fun, but very little connection and commitment. Emphasis on self-actualization and freedom to act out one’s feelings and desires. A cycle of chasing the next adrenaline hit or experience to maintain a sense of self, but an empty and lonely soul.

Hugh Hefner, the 20th-century American publisher and founder of Playboy magazine, writes: “The major civilizing force in the world is not religion, it is sex.” https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Major_Civilizing_Force_in_the_World.html?id=hpx8zQEACAAJ

III. Sexuality as a Negative Force to be CONTROLLED

“I suppress my sexual desires because they aren’t beneficial to my human experience.”

Disillusioned by the emotional impulses often connected with sex, some choose to shut down their desires entirely. They view sex as a liability or a distraction from what truly matters in life.

The Fruit: Emotional hardening. By attempting to bury one’s sexuality, one can turn oneself off, not just to sexual desire but also to deep emotional connection and vulnerability.

Marcus Aurelius, the second-century Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher describes sex in a very distasteful way and then writes, “How good these perceptions are at getting to the heart of the real thing and penetrating through it, so you can see it for what it is!” https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/8395175-how-good-it-is-when-you-have-roast-meat-or

IV. Sexuality as Sacred Gift to be STEWARDED

“I joyfully accept my sexual desires and align them with God’s design and purpose.”

This framework understands our sexual desires as part of our God-given image. It acknowledges sexual dysfunction as part of the fall and pursues a restored vision of sexuality that celebrates pleasure and intimacy within covenant marriage.

The Fruit: Realism and community. One acknowledges their brokenness without fear of rejection. One rejects the “quick fix” in exchange for deep, covenantal intimacy. One treats sex as a sacred experience, reserved for the marriage covenant as God designed.

Sean McCartin, a contemporary Christian pastor and speaker, writes: “God created sexuality for the man and woman as a pleasurable means to reinforce their oneness in marriage.” https://lifecenter.net/sermons/2013/sex-and-marriage/

👇🏼Sexuality Series, Part 1 👇🏼

I still vividly remember that day when I hurriedly approached the magazine rack and then quickly retreated to a quiet grocery aisle to page through its forbidden content. After a few minutes of guilty excitement, I stashed it away and quickly caught up with my parents and siblings.

I have other memories that I wish I never had. Memories of hurting other people, of living out of my sexual desires, and suppressing the guilt and shame. When I gave my heart to Jesus at age 13, all of that changed. Over time, I felt God convicting me to share what was hidden away with people I could trust. There were people I went to and asked for forgiveness. My sexual experience is one of brokenness and shame.

But God…

Living in NYC, I am surrounded by the world’s messages about sexuality. I see it on the streets, hear it in coffee shop music, and encounter it in the stories of people I am walking with in life. And I wonder, why is sexuality such a driving force in our human experience?

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because our sexuality is so closely connected with what it means to be created in God’s image. We were created to know and be known by another. We have an innate yearning for connection. We have a hunger to be accepted and wanted.

In our culture today, each individual is expected to define their own sexual identity. One’s sexual desires become the basis of their identity.

Juli Slattery, author of Rethinking Sexuality, writes:

The larger culture now predominantly tells a humanistic narrative that honors human sexuality as a primary form of self-expression and identity. In a recent study, the Barna group concluded, “Sex has become less a function of procreation or an expression of intimacy and more of a personal experience. To have sex is increasingly seen as a pleasurable and important element in the journey toward self-fulfillment.” If sex is an important part of self-fulfillment, experimentation and sexual “freedom” become very important avenues to maturity.
Source: https://www.authenticintimacy.com/whats-the-purpose-of-your-sexuality-really/

But what are the fruits of our self-definition? Shallower connections. Fragmented families. Fewer covenant marriages. A culture that is emotionally sick and relationally deprived. The artificial, the fake, can never fill. So it has to heap offer upon offer, adrenaline-pumped experience upon another.

As of 2025, the global adult entertainment market is valued at approximately $71.6 billion. It is projected to grow to over $109 billion by 2030. AI is creating personalized products to increase engagement with sexual content through text, voice, and image interactions with adult entertainers. Source: https://www.thebusinessresearchcompany.com/report/adult-entertainment-global-market-report

More than ever, God’s ways are proven right and good

God said, “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18, NKJV). Adam was experiencing perfect communion with God in the garden, but he also longed for another human being to know and be known by. And God brought him Eve. The union of these two human beings in vulnerable, intimate oneness was very good in God’s sight!

And then sin entered, which resulted in an inescapable sense of shame. Their visceral response was hiding themselves from God and from each other. But God’s response to their hiding was pursuing and finding them.

Curt Thomas describes this human experience of brokenness and hiding in his book, “The Soul of Shame.”

“Those parts of us that feel most broken and that we keep most hidden are the parts that most desperately need to be known by God, so as to be loved and healed…God came to find Eve and Adam to provide them the opportunity to be known as he knows anything else. For only in those instances when our shamed parts are known do they stand a chance to be redeemed. We can love God, love ourselves or love others only to the degree that we are known by God and known by others.”

Woven throughout that state of human brokenness is sexual brokenness. From the days of Noah, to Sodom and Gomorrah, to David and his household, Scripture is full of stories describing our sexual brokenness. It is almost as if human brokenness is made most visible by our sexual brokenness.

Here’s what the process of sexual brokenness looks like:

1. God created us in His image, with a deep desire for intimate connection, to be accepted and wanted, to know and be known.

2. Humanity turned away from God’s definition of goodness and sought to pursue their own source of goodness.

3. Humanity experienced cut-off with God, which resulted in innate shame, which leads to using each other rather than knowing each other.

So what is the solution?

1. Understanding our God-given desires

2. Coming to grips with the broken state of our human experience

3. Aligning our desires with God’s design

Over the next few weeks I want to dig into these themes more deeply. But I have a few questions for you.

• How have you seen sexual brokenness play out in your story?

• What have you discovered about your longings and desires through your sexual brokenness?

• What are ways you have tried to deal with your sexual brokenness and pain? How has that worked out for you?

I am starting this series about sexuality because I believe that God’s ways are right and good! God created sex. He has given us the principles for stewarding our sexuality. He is deeply involved in our stories.

👇🏼Sexuality Series, Part 2 👇🏼

I was recently talking with someone who is exploring ways to use AI in software development. He made a very thoughtful comment, “I’m realizing that I’m feeling pressure to jump onboard with AI so that I don’t get left behind.” He put into words what so many people are feeling right now. FOMO in the latest technology “gold rush”.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not against using AI. I continue to be blown away by the almost endless opportunities that AI is creating right now. I have used it for various projects over the past year and it has saved me hours of time in research and development. With its power and capacity (which continues to grow exponentially) comes the need for clarity, wisdom, and discipline.

More than ever, we run the risk of being distracted by the SOS—“shiny object syndrome”. The newest feature, the most recent emerging capacity of AI, can become our guiding star. While this isn’t a new problem, it is much more permeating than ever before. In every industry imaginable, there are almost endless opportunities to leverage AI to save time and money and increase speed and capacity. This requires greater clarity than ever before on our purpose.

Getting clarity on your purpose is not just to have nice words on the wall of your business or the homepage of your website. Your purpose is your decision-making filter for evaluating the never-ending opportunities coming down the pike.

Here are a few questions to help you evaluate the opportunities that you are currently considering:

1. Does this move me closer to what I deeply care about or further away from it?

2. In what ways does this tool impact the person I want to become? Is it mobilizing me to become a better person or moving me closer to the “danger zone” of departure from who I want to be?

3. How does this opportunity impact the relationships I care most about? Is it increasing my capacity to care for them or putting a greater strain on the relationships?

The most impactful thing you can do to increase your capacity to make good decisions this year is to get crystal-clear about your purpose. If you’re in leadership, you will want to do the same for the organization that you lead.

Do you realize that you exercise power as a leader? Leaders have the authority to make decisions that impact other people’s lives. They have access to resources that many others don’t have access to.

• Parents make decisions that impact their children

• Pastors make decisions that impact their church and communities

• Business owners and CEOs make decisions that impact their employees

Any time you are exercising your authority as a leader, you are using your power. The question is, how are you using your power?

Too often, power is abused. It is used for self-benefit at the cost of others. It is leveraged to continue climbing the ladder of success, all the while suppressing those under them. It’s easy to point to the slick-talking politician or fraudulent investment banker. But how about you? How are you doing as a leader?

We use spiritual language to cloak the ugly abuse of power. We quote Scripture to put women in their place of submission as an excuse to ignore their appeals and advice. We tote doctrinal purity as a means to coerce people into practicing our pet beliefs. Fathers are granted a spiritual trump card when they are called “the priest of the household”. After all, who can speak against the Lord’s elect?

Leaders, you hold power in your hands. How are you using it? Here are a few guiding principles to evaluate your use of power.

Measure your leadership, not by how many you pass up but by how many people you enable to pass you up.

Your leadership is about others, not about you. It’s about your responsibility to serve and pursue the wellbeing of those you’re leading.

Measure your leadership, not by how compelling you craft your message but by how effectively you model your mission with your life. If you could never say a word again, if you could never weigh in on another decision or voice your opinion from this day forward, how would your life speak for you? How would your leadership look if your only voice was your silent invitation to follow in your footsteps?

Measure your leadership, not by how many assets you accumulate but by how much value you contribute to those you lead. Leadership is about giving, not receiving. It’s about bringing all that you have to the table, pouring it out on the altar, and watching God multiply it in order to bless those you serve.

Question for reflection: How are you using your power to model the mission, contribute value to others, and enable others to pass you up?

—originally published 07/16/2025

Last week I met up with a friend of mine that I deeply admire for his intentionality in business. I was picking his brain on different subjects related to business, because I find myself at a juncture where I’m transitioning out of ministry leadership and into the marketplace.

This brother in the Lord shared with me his personal journey of feeling inferior to those who were going out and doing ministry while he was building a business in Lancaster, PA. But then something changed for him when he realized that one isn’t better than the other. What matters most is why we’re doing what we’re doing and how we’re doing it. He went on to share with me how their vision as a company is to make an impact in the community. They invest in the lives of their employees and strive to make the company a place where team members can grow in both their professional and personal lives. They encourage and challenge the team to look for opportunities to go out of their way to show care for their clients and to pray with them when appropriate. He shared stories of employees making the difference for a person who was considering suicide, or an employee that was able to take a customer to church because they connected while on the job.

I was challenged and encouraged by their intentionality and inspired to think about my own endeavors—how might I live missionally in every area of my life rather than “doing ministry” and “doing business” and viewing them as completely separate?

That’s why I titled this post “Let’s Tear Down the Secular/Sacred Divide”. Because I see it in my own life—and all around me, really. We “do church” and “do business” and “do ministry”. We do lots of activities that fit into different compartments of our lives, and we subconsciously live in different modes: “home mode”, “work mode”, “ministry mode”. We live disintegrated lives, lives that are disconnected from other parts of who we are. We might be a good employee but a terrible husband. We might be a good ministry volunteer with passion for the lost but care nothing about the customer we’re serving while on the clock.

So what does it look like to live an integrated life?

This is a question I’m asking myself. How can I seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness in every sphere of my life? How can I steward all that God has given me, both physically and spiritually? What would it look like if I would de-compartmentalize my life so that everything I am doing, everything I am pursuing, is aligned with the calling God has on my life?

I think it would result in some of the following fruit:

• I would show up with more intentionality in every area of my life, aligning every area with Kingdom values and my personal values.

• I would stop viewing the world through the filter of “sacred” / “secular” and would instead focus on wise stewardship across the board.

• I would treat the person right in front of me with more dignity and value, no matter what “relational box” they fit into.

• I would see the marketplace as one of the most impactful sectors to bring Christ’s redemption here on earth (because that’s where most people live their lives!).

This inspires me to ask some questions about how we do ministry and business:

1. What would it look like for business leaders and ministry leaders to increase collaboration in Kingdom efforts?

2. How are we contributing to the “secular” / “sacred” divide in our churches and how might we become more integrated in our approach to ministry?

3. What does it look like for us to be more missional in our lifestyle and less programs-driven?

4. How could we be more intentional about equipping every person in our congregations to be “salt and light” in the marketplace, and less focused on getting people to sign up for a missions assignment?

5. How could we better steward business as a tool for cross-cultural ministry and Kingdom impact?

I am excited to see how God will continue giving me a more Kingdom-centered perspective. I long to be more integrated as a person and missional in my lifestyle.

👇🏼I look forward to hearing your feedback in the comments below!👇🏼How do these questions connect with you? Are there other questions that might help clarify this conversation further?

It was only last week that my wife and friends helped me say “no” to a great opportunity. There were so many things about it that made me want to say “yes”. The opportunity seemed like something that would be very fulfilling for me to be part of and would make a very tangible impact for the Kingdom. The person asking was someone I liked.

But yet, it didn’t seem like the right timing. It didn’t quite fit with the specific ways we have felt God calling us to focus in this season in our lives. In my wife’s words, “Just because you’re saying ‘no’ right now doesn’t mean it won’t work out later.” I am grateful for my wife’s insights and wisdom for decisions like this!

I recognize just how much I like to say “yes.”

1. It easier to please the person asking with a “yes” than to disappoint with a “no”

2. Being needed feels good and gives me a sense of meaning and worth

3. FOMO (fear of missing out!)

The crucial two letter word—“no”

There are so many good things to be done. So many opportunities. But we can’t do them all. That’s why you and I need to exercise the discipline of strategic planning.

Strategic planning is a process of determining what is most important right now, anchored in our vision and values. It’s not so that we can squeeze more into our already busy lives, but instead so that we can do less. This might seem counterintuitive, because, after all, more is better right?

That’s why learning to say “no” is so hard, but so crucial. Because our culture tells us the lie that more is better. “Busy” is a badge of honor. But the incalculable cost of busyness is that it almost always squeezes out what is most important.

PROBLEM: What’s most important rarely seems urgent.

The urgent keeps popping up and we keep giving it our attention. “After I do this, then I’ll get back to my priorities.” And then another thing comes up. And another. Strategic planning seems so daunting—even overwhelming—because we are so caught up in the urgent. We don’t have time or brain space to evaluate, reflect, and prayerfully consider where we should be investing and prioritizing in the future.

PROBLEM: Life is speeding up.

Over the past 100 years, everything has sped up exponentially, at a faster rate than any other time in history. We have gone from horse-drawn carriages to self-driving vehicles; the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk to routine SpaceX launches; the telegraph to 5G internet in our pockets. We can do everything so much faster with more powerful tools and more efficient, time-saving devices. This gives us the capacity to do more and add more to our lives.

When we live our lives without clarity on what is most important right now and we continue to say “yes” (because, after all, we have time or money for it), we eventually speed past our God-given limits, with the help of those powerful devices. There reaches a point when we walk off the edge of the cliff.

PROBLEM: We connect our identity to what we do or what we experience.

Perhaps the deeper heart issue is that our identity is anchored in the wrong places. It depends on what generation you’re from, but there are identity-lies that fuel the burnout culture we live in.

Lie: You are what you accomplish. If your results are successful, then you are a success. If you fail to get the desired results, you are a failure.

Lie: You are what you experience. A flashy social media feed and a passport full of stamps mean that you are an important person.

TRUTH: Who you are is anchored in who God created you to be.

What you do and what you experience are only the fruits of the life that God has planned for you. It does not define you. Instead, we must flip the script and anchor what we do and experience in who we are. Identity shapes outcomes, rather than outcomes defining identity.

KEY: Slow down doing in order to clarify being. Pursue being who God wants you to be and then you will do what He wants you to do.

Why strategic planning matters

So back to strategic planning. The key is aligning ourselves with who God has created us to be. He made us with a purpose. He put us on earth for a reason. In order to live out of that calling and purpose, we need to have clarity on what that calling and purpose is. And then we need to have rhythms in our lives that connect what we do with who we are.

This will empower us to say “no” a little more often, and hopefully that will give us more resources to invest in what what is most important.

I’m excited to release this report, not just because I love some of the titles in this list, but because I am excited to find some new reads for 2026!

If you want to check out my personal favorites in 2025, check out my “Top 5 Books” post.

The Complete List

NOTE 1: I include links to Amazon to make it easy for you to find the book. If the link is broken, please let me know.

Note 2: Just because I include a book in this list does not mean I personally endorse the title. However, these are books that were shared by my reader base so I do think many of the titles are worth your time :-).

• A Blind Spot, Marty Makary

• A New and Ancient Evangelism Judith Paulsen

• Against the Machine, Paul Kingsnorth

• An Asian Harvest, Paul Hattaway

• Ascent From Darkness, Michael Leehan

• At Home in the World, Tsh Oxenrieder

• Authority, Leeman

• Authorized, Mark Ward

• Beauty Will Save the World, Brian Zahnd

• Can I Say That?, Brenna Blain

• Center Church, Tim Keller

• Church Membership, Jonathan Lehman

• Contagious Generosity, Willard & Sheppard

• Deep Work, Cal Newport

• Destiny Disrupted, Tamim Ansary

• Everything is Tuberculosis, John Green

• Extreme Ownership, Jocko Willink and Leif Babin

• For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn

• Free to Thrive, Ben Bennett

• How Leaders Lose Their Way, Peter Greer & Jill Heisey

• How to be Filled with the Holy Spirit, A.W. Tozer

• Instruments in the Redeemers Hands, Paul David Tripp

• Killing Fields Living Fields, Don Cormack

• Laurus, Eugene Vodolazkin

• Like a River, Granger Smith

• Living Fearless: Exchanging the Lies of the World for the Liberating Truth of God - Jamie Winship

• Living Water, Brother Yun

• Losing Moses on the Freeway, Chris Hedge

• Overcoming Evil God’s Way, Stephen Russell

• Practicing the Way, John Mark Comer

• Pray like Monks, Live like Fools

• Reading Your Male by Mary Farrar

• Saving Her Assassin, Virginia Purdue

• Sidetracked, Gary Miller

• Silence, Shusaku Endo

• So Good They Can’t Ignore You by Cal Newport

• The Awe of God, John Bevere

• The Benefit of Doubt by Craig Groeschel

• The Body Teaches the Soul, Justin Earley

• The Brothers Karamazov, Fydor Dostoyevsky

• The Church and the Surprising Offense of God’s Love, Jonathan Leeman

• The Church Planting Wife, Christine Hoover

• The Common Rule, Justin Earley

• The Cross and the Switchblade, David Wilkerson

• The Diary of A CEO, Steven Bartlett

• The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard

• The Familiar Stranger by Tyler Staton

• The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni

• The Generosity Factor, Ken Blanchard

• The Girl with Seven Names, Hyeonseo Lee

• The Gospel Precisely, Matthew Bates

• The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien

• The Life We’re Looking For, Andy Crouch

• The Orphan Keeper, Cameron Wright

• The Other Half of Church, John Wilder & Michel Hendricks

• The Return of the King, Tolkien

• The Rule of Love, Jonathan Leeman

• The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, John Mark Comer

• The Shaping of a Christian Family, Elisabeth Elliot

• The Technological Society, Jacque Ellul

• The Toxic War on Masculinity, Nancey Pearcy

• The Victor’s Crown of Glory, John Samara

• The Will of God as a Way of Life, Jerry Sittser

• Theological Retrieval for Evangelicals, Gavin Ortlund

• Thirst, Scott Harrison

• Tiger in the Shadows, Debbie Wilson

• Uncomfortable, Brett McCraken

• Unreasonable Hospitality, Will Guidara

• Until the Streetlights Come On, Ginny Yurich

• Visionary Journey, Frank Reed

• What Does God Want of Us Anyway?, Mark Dever

• When People Are Big and God is Small, Edward T. Welch

• Why Leaders Lose Their Way by Peter Greer and Jill Heisey

Have you read any of these titles? Which one(s) do you recommend for a read in 2026? Comment below!

We hear a lot about growth. If you want to get me to read something or try something, tell me it will help me grow. I love pursuing growth!

But on the other hand, I am immediately on guard when I’m told that something will make me better, faster, more effective, more successful, etc. I’m drawn, and yet immediately suspect, of “steps to growth”. I love clarity, knowing what I should do, to get better. And yet, I have become more and more aware of how difficult it is to copy/paste growth strategies from one person to another. Just because it works for you doesn’t mean it will work for me. Just because it worked before doesn’t meant mean it will work now.

A few ways I see growth marketed.

1. Get more clients—with less work

2. Get back more of your time—in no time!

3. Earn more money—with more ease!

These catch my attention—almost without fail. Because more is so attractive. And yet, more for less is almost never true.

The American Dream is built on a pursuit of more. Work harder. Go further. Live better. Know more. A life built on abundance.

I don’t think I have to tell you that The American Dream has not brought about true joy, pleasure and happiness. If more was ever the source of happiness, the USA should be the happiest place in the world.

But it isn’t. The key to happiness isn’t more. It’s a contented heart.

Now godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts which drown men in destruction and perdition. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. 1 Timothy 6:6-10, NKJV

The more happiness is anchored in what we have, or contingent on what we’re trying to attain, the more frustrated and bitter and cynical and selfish we become. We literally heap stress upon sorrow, anxiety upon fear. The more we have, the more we have to protect and the more potential losses we have to reckon with.

Question for reflection: How can I frame growth for myself in a way that is anchored in contentment, not striving for more?

We’ll pick up the conversation next week, but in the meantime I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

I want to start out by sharing my story, in a nutshell. And then I will share a few truths that has been so freeing for me as I have processed my story.

Ian’s story, in a nutshell.

I grew up as the oldest of 11 in “the Miller tribe”. One of the hallmarks of being the oldest—especially in a large family—is that you are labeled by your siblings as “bossy” and “power hungry” at your wedding’s open mic :-). And, to be honest, their labels aren’t a huge stretch. I was practically a “third parent” and as far back as I can remember, I always found myself relating to and wanting to be with the adults.

One of the “earthquake moments” in my life was when my parents felt called to move to Mexico to start an orphanage. I was 11 and was not excited about uprooting and leaving behind everything I knew. There were moments I fantasized of moving back to the States to live with my grandparents. I would have gladly done so if I had the chance.

As the years went by, Mexico became home. Which, a question for me has always been, where is home for me? Is it back in Ohio where we lived before Mexico? Is it in Texas where I was born? Is it in Mexico where I lived most of my childhood/teenage years?

As I entered teenage years, I started dreaming of being a missionary in some far-flung place, following in the footsteps of Don Richardson or Bruchko or David Livingstone. I wanted to be a modern-day missionary hero. The problem was, I didn’t feel like a hero in Mexico—helping with bookkeeping, communicating with social services, playing soccer with the children at the orphanage, teaching English, helping oversee the visas for staff and moving adoption paperwork forward. None of that felt like heroic missionary work. It was just everyday life for a missionary kid.

And then I went to Long Term Orientation, a six-week training program at the Ministry Training Center in NYC. Reading the Perspectives course completely upended my perspective on missions. Missions was about God’s glory, not mine! It was all about God being worshipped, not Ian becoming well known for his missionary work. And that is when God gave me peace to stay in Mexico and serve alongside my family.

It was a year later that Allen Roth invited me to serve as his administrative assistant. This was the opportunity I had been pursuing earlier, but God had closed the doors. Now the opportunity was suddenly opening up again and I felt God’s peace and blessing to move forward. While moving to NYC wasn’t quite like moving to the remote jungles like the missionary heroes I had grown up reading about, I sensed that this was the path God had for me. And I am so grateful for His gentle leading!

Eleven years later, I’m still living in NYC, after many twists and turns. I got married to a special woman named Marci, and we lived for two years in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania assisting Rod & Christa Schwartz with a Hispanic church plant. We eventually moved back to NYC where we continued serving with DNI on the admin leadership team.

Then, in the middle of COVID, God brought us into contact with many Hispanics in our Elmhurst neighborhood who were spiritually open and hungry for more. With the blessing of others around us, we launched a hispanic church plant, Iglesia Vida en Cristo. And here we are, five years later, still leading the small but growing church.

We are entering a new chapter where we feel God asking us to focus more time and energy on the local church and community. We are stepping away from DNI admin and I am launching into life coaching. And here we are, nearing the end of 2025, anticipating what God has in store for us in this next chapter!

So that’s my story, in a nutshell!

Something that has been so freeing for me as I process my story, is the growing belief that God is the one who is writing my story. He doesn’t just know what’s happening from a distance. He intimately knows me, because He is the one who knit me in my mother’s womb! He is the one who was with me through the difficult parts of my story. He is the one who was preparing me for where he has me now, and he is the one who knows what he has in store for me.

What’s so amazing—and mind-boggling—is that his general plan for all of humanity, and his specific plan for my life, are in perfect synchrony. In fact, his general plans and purposes are being accomplished through his specific plans for each of our lives. Isn’t that an amazing reality?

As I do life coaching with others, I continue to see how understanding one’s story is so important to purposeful living. I want to share a few practical suggestions for you as you reflect on your own story.

Ready. Set. Your story!

1. Doing the work of processing your story is well worth your time and energy.

I wasn’t used to paying attention to my feelings. Verbalizing difficult realities from my past felt very uncomfortable and scary. But it has been so freeing and has opened my eyes to things that I never understood before about who I was and why I felt and reacted in the ways that I did. Processing the past has at times been hard work but it has been well worth the time and energy. It has happened over an extended period of time, and in the presence of safe people. When I can face the realities of my past with the truth of who God is and who I am in Christ, and when I can start to catch glimpses of what He is doing in me and wants to do through me, it inspires me to continue pressing into my story.

Give yourself time and space to process. Surround yourself with authentic, safe people to process life with. Allow the truths of God’s Word to meet you in your vulnerability. “And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32).

2. Look for threads running through your story.

What are the experiences, feelings, blessings, pain, and opportunities that are common throughout your story? As you process your story, pay attention to patterns and themes. These just might give you a glimpse into what God is doing in you, and the ways He wants to use your story to draw you closer to Him, bless others and bring glory to Him!

3. Don’t stop at the pain.

Your unique contribution to the Kingdom of Christ just might be directly linked to some of the most difficult things you experienced. As Lyndon Risser puts it,

“We discover our created purpose in our pain. We heal to the level that we allow our pain to bring healing to others.”

Don’t let the uncomfortableness and fear hold you back. As we face our pain, we can actually begin to see the blessings that have also been woven into our story. Get curious! Trace those themes of generational blessings and brokenness running through your personal story and your family’s story. Follow those blessings and pain into your purpose.

As we step out in faith, he meets us in our brokenness and can bring healing in surprising ways—sometimes in the ways and through the people that we least expect.

4. Live as a steward.

Each of our stories are part of God’s story. We are merely one thread in the tapestry that God is weaving together. This should should instill a sense of awe for who God is. We get to be part of something so much bigger than ourselves!

This should inspire us to step out in confidence, in faith, and in humility. Because this life is not about me. It’s not even about the impact I leave here on earth. It’s about God— a God of relationship and redemption. A God who, despite the horrors and ugliness of humanity, stepped down into time and space to experience life as a human being himself. He dwelt among us. And then invited us to live life with him.

Just to make it very personal to you…he is inviting you to live life with him. And that is the essence of The Abundant Life.

Money is meant to be a tool to carry out God’s plans and purposes, not the end you’re working towards. Just think, wouldn’t it be a shame if you reached the end in life and all you had to your name was money?

But yet, we can’t villainize money. After all, we need money to pay the bills, to carry out the work God has given us, and to care well for others. To blame money for greed in this world is about like blaming the existence of food for the problems of obesity and gluttony.

The key to wise financial decisions is having a stewardship mindset, which is a theme throughout Scripture. Let’s look at a few of Jesus’ financial principles.

Jesus’ Financial Principles

1. The way you use your money pulls back the curtain of your heart. (Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also)

2. Generosity is a hallmark of the Kingdom. In fact, giving is one of the Biblical prescriptions for happiness. (It is more blessed to give than to receive)

3. Use money to invest in eternity. (Parable of the shrewd servant)

4. Remember what stewardship means. It’s not yours. You are managing what belongs to God. (You were bought with a price!)

5. Investing money (and other resources that God gives us) in a way that multiplies its impact is what faithful stewards do. It’s not so much about how much you have as much as how wisely you steward it. (Parable of the talents)

6. Wise stewards plan for “a rainy day”. (Go to the ant you sluggard, consider her ways and be wise).

7. There reaches a point that wise preparation crosses the line and becomes selfish accumulation. And that is a danger with serious repercussions. (You fool, tonight your soul will be required of you!)

With these principles in mind, I want to share a few tips for getting your finances in order for 2026.

Financial Planning Tips

1. Set up a financial management system. In the 21st century, there are endless ways to do this. If you don’t want to have to wade through all the options, try out Monarch. I waded through various options and landed on this clean, user-friendly, powerful tool designed specifically for personal finance. Use this link (it gives you a discount and me a gift card :-))

2. Set a budget. A budget isn’t meant so much to limit how much you spend but rather to wisely allocate what you have. Money has a way of disappearing if it doesn’t have a predetermined use.

3. Simplify your finances. Eliminate credit cards you’re not using. Close out bank accounts that you don’t need. Consider canceling subscriptions that aren’t worth the cost. Use one credit card for all expenses that require reimbursement. Separate business finances from personal finances. These are just the start to making your financial life more simple. Think, what can you do to reduce the complexity of how you use your money?

4. Build in giving. Don’t just wait to give if you have excess. Follow Biblical principles and set a percentage as a baseline. And then give above and beyond that baseline as the Spirit leads! See how much fun you can have blessing people this year, in both small and big ways! What if you would set a few tangible financial goals for blessing the people dearest and closest to you?

   Examples: Set aside special money to send an out-of-the-ordinary gift to 3-5 friends; to invite your neighbors out for coffee; to prioritize dates with your spouse; to schedule donut dates with each of your children. It is indeed more blessed to give than to receive!

5. Set intentional financial goals. If you don’t set any goals, it’s a lot easier to just spend what you have (and possibly spend what you don’t have!). Think, what is really important to me right now that I can start working towards incrementally? There are simple tools that you can automate savings (eg. Recurring transfers to a savings account).

   Examples: Save up for a house, pay off a debt, set aside for a family trip, start a Roth IRA or 529 plan.

If you live in a western nation in 2025, you experience wealth in ways most generations have never experienced. Wealth isn’t bad in and of itself. In fact, it is a huge blessing! But our greatest blessings can become our greatest downfall. How will you intentionally steward what God has given you in 2026 for His Kingdom?

Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness! And all these things will be added unto you.

One of the things that creates most anxiety in our lives is when our actions are not aligned with our stated priorities. In the previous post, we dug into the importance of getting clarity about our purpose, so that we can align our actions with that purpose. In this post, we will look at how aligning our time, energy and resources with our most important relationships are crucial to a life of peace and joy.

The irony of our day is that we have more tools for connecting than ever before, and yet loneliness is at an all-time high. A recent graphic posted by author Daniel Pink highlights this.

We were created to thrive in a community of deep relationships, not an ocean of connections.

“You were designed to handle between 3 and 150 [relationships] in a meaningful way; but being a social creature and not wanting to upset, anger, or disappoint people, your desire is to connect with far more.” At Your Best, Carey Nieuwhof

So what can you and I do to align our time, energy and resources with the relationships that matter most to us? I want to take a look at the life of Jesus to give us some ideas. Then we’ll explore a few key questions that will help us evaluate where we’re at and where we want to be.

Jesus, our example

1. Jesus knew who he was called to.

Think 12 disciples—walking the same dusty trails, sleeping out under the stars, facing the angry crowds, experiencing the amazing, supernatural healings and miracles, preaching the truth of the Kingdom—together. He didn’t heal everyone in Israel, but he did heal some. He didn’t always give bread and fish, but on certain occasions he did. He had to go through Samaria to meet the one Samaritan woman that was at the well. He appeared first to Mary Magdalene. Jesus didn’t treat everyone the same. He knew who he was called to and he prioritized those relationships.

2. Jesus was transparent about who he was.

If you follow me, these are the expectations, no apologies offered. But then he was all-in with those who followed. They did life on life. He was fully present and he opened his life to them. Jesus was transparent with his core group about who he was and what he was about. He wasn’t swayed by other people’s expectations when they conflicted with his vision, mission and values. When it seemed like his ministry was on the line, Jesus didn’t try to convince his disciples to stay. Instead, he asked them, “Do you also want to go away?” (John 6:67). The invitation to follow was extended to many. And the door was open for them to leave as well.

3. Jesus knew his limitations.

He would pull away from relationships and go into solitary places regularly to spend time with His Father. He stepped into, and then gracefully disappeared from, the crowds. He sacrificially served and cared for the needy without ever sacrificing his connection to his Father.

“Jesus’ life template was based on a rhythm of retreat and return, like breathing in and then out. Jesus would retreat: He would slip away from the noise and press of the crowd and find a place where he could pray, alone or sometimes with a few very close friends. He would inhale. Then he would exhale, or return: He would come back to preach and teach and heal and deliver and offer love.” Practicing The Way, John Mark Comer

Jesus, a picture of peace and rest in the midst of every relationship imaginable. Confident yet humble. Aware of the needs of others, yet never swayed from his mission. Crying out in agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, yet calmly accepting his betrayer’s kiss.

Let’s make it practical.

Evaluate: What are the key relationships in your life? Take time to write them out.

Plan: What can you do in 2026 to invest more time, energy and money in those relationships? Write at least one goal for each of the relationships you wrote down.

Commit: What are the changes you need to make to “back burner” less important relationships so that you can prioritize those who are most important to you? As you align your actions with the most important relationships, be prepared to disappoint and let down some people. There’s a reason you’re spreading yourself too thin. Perhaps there’s something you’re gaining (eg. feeling accepted, feeling power). But whatever the short-term gain, it’s not worth it to sacrifice the joy of deep connection, of truly delighting in the gift of relationship.

I invite you, I challenge you, to prioritize the relationships you say are most important to you. Be prepared for a battle. And anticipate the fruit of a peace-filled heart.

This is part two in a series titled “Antidotes to Weariness”

Part 1: Clarify Your Purpose